Who I Want to Be

I want to be The Dr.'s Vincent
Creating beauty from the pain
Joy from the Storm

But I am not there yet
My fingers touch the keys
And what flows is just my pain
Bare
Naked
Lacking any ability to see light

I want to write of how much
I hate her
In her ignorance
And undeserved power
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
He broke my heart
And how mad I am at him
And his false accusations
But have it transform

I want to write of how
Fundamentally stupid I find her
And how she refuses to see the real me
And the real her
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
I still miss him every damn day
Even though he has been gone so long
And happy not being here
But have it transform.

I want to pull myself
Up
And
Out
I want to transform.

heidi
written: 10/01/18

So mainly what has happened here is that I did not adjust well to the change in my antidepressant. I went from feeling apathy and hopelessness to ALL the feelings, ALL at once. It was overwhelming to say the least. This was a temper tantrum I had after my husband fell asleep before washing the dishes after he promised that he would. (Bless his heart). Shortly after this, I called my doctor and we lowered my dosage and now I can feel appropriate things at appropriate times. I want to just delete this post because it embarrasses me, but that seems dishonest. If I am going to be confessionalist (which seems to be my goto), then every now and then I am going to post something embarrassing. 

Catepillar

How brave you must be
  to wrap yourself up
  cocooned in a chrysallis
  and melt into yourself
  to become something new
  to become who you are.

heidi
written: 9/17/18

Baby steps, y'all.  No promises. 

#NaPoWriMo Day Eleven: Puppies

sweet black dogs
curled up together sleeping sound
dreaming doggie dreams.

h.
written: 4/11/18 for NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo

I needed something a little light after all the heavy writing.

#NaPoWriMo Day Ten: Behind

I completed
ONE
job application
for
Joann Fabric and Craft
and it took me three hours.

I hate to
FILL OUT
job applications
because
I can never remember the dates correctly
and all I see
are
lost
opportunities.

I went to my daughter's IEP
and cried.
I have poeming and blogging it dutifully
I applied for the damn job
I have been cooking every damn day
and clearing up after
I rigged a bucket/bin/plunger/clothesline situation
so I could spend three hours
washing maybe 20 articles of clothes.

And I just want a break. Silence. I want no expectations of me for just
ONE
day.

Because all of that up there are things I got done, that I couldn't have a short while ago
and I really want someone to say "good job, Heidi"
but I'm not getting that because it seems like it isn't enough.
and that I am even now
FAILING
at being depressed?

Why am I never good enough?

h.
written: 4/11/18 for NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo

**shudders** Damn. That wasn't fun to write!

#NaPoWriMo Day Nine:

world so busy
so much noise closing in
i miss silence.
h.
written: 4/9/18 for NaPoWriMo/ GloPoWriMo.


Off prompt, and I could use a game of quiet mouse.

#NaPoWriMo Day Eight: Conversationalist

so many words
in such a small kid
every day Eli
h.
written: 4/8/18 for /GloPoWriMo

I'm off prompt again. I was listening to my son talk to his dad while trying to think of something to write. He is an inspirational, and funny, little fellow. Did you know the anaconda is the largest snake in the world? And it's not venomous! My little herpatologist.

#NaPoWriMo Day Seven: A Small Break

a day off
without the necessity of another
seventy-two hour commitment.
h.
written: 4/7/18 for NaPoWriMo/ GloPoWriMo


So it's just never a good thing when you look back on your "voluntary" commitment as some of the best rest ever. But I really could use some days off, just without any precipitating self-harm. You know, a vacation.

#NaPoWriMo Day Six: Looking For An External Force

My creative process described in one word?

Inertia.

I am using NaPoWriMo to make me write the words, but writing the words

Fertilizes

The womb of my imagination and now I have all of these ideas for stories and methods and videos and techniques and poems and...

Depression

says, Meh. This is too much, can you imagine the research you would have to do and research is always boring (because depression is a lying liar that lies to me) and the editing? You are a first draft person if that...

Inertia.

I want writing to be fun and I want to show off that I can be damn funny and I am smart and I really want you to pay attention to me, but I have no idea if any of this is good or bad or mediocre or worth any of the time it takes to write much less read and is it worth the compulsive checking and checking and checking to see if anyone is reading or reacting or replying when Depression says, be careful what you wish for and why would anybody read me when I don't read anyone else anymore because everything is too much and Depression says it's okay ot's all okay you'll feel better if you just stay

inert.

h.
written: 4/6/18 for NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo

Okay. So I started earlier today so that I would at least consider the prompt if it contained more that two steps and look what I got.  We are writing a poem using line breaks that are outside of our comfort zone. I like small little lines, as evidenced by all the Collom Lunes, so the long lines really brought out something true and dark and deeper than I have written in a while.  I think I am going to send a link to my mental health professional.  Hi Melissa! :)

#NaPoWriMo Day Five: Aoife

her sunshine smile
the universe in her eyes
my incandescent daughter
h.
written: 4/5/18

The prompt broke my brain at the end of this long day. Besides, it's my daughter's birthday, and I would much rather write about her. 

#NaPoWriMo Day Four: Anxiety

heavy granite slab
insisting that you run fast now
while holding you.
h.
written: 4/4/18 for NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo

Today we write an abstract in a concrete way.  I had considered the whole poem being the word "Motherfucker" which is pretty darn concrete and describes my feelings about anxiety, but I do so love a Collom Lune.