Sunday, June 21, 2015

Father's Day

In the world
I'd pick no other man
For their dad.

heidi
written : 6 / 21/15

Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Only Way

I get bruises from the
Blood pressure cuffs
On both arms.

The triage nurse
couldn't promise my husband
That I wouldn't have
A stroke
Just walking to my room.

The nurse comes in and sticks me
I now have an IV port
And a blown blood vessel
And my mouth is dry
But I can't have ice
Because that may also cause
A stroke.

The ER doctor asks
So many questions
Mostly about why am I
Not taking my antidepressants
Why have I not gone to the gynecologist
For my 8 month period
Why haven't I followed up
On my ever increasing
Blood pressure.

And I have to admit
That I am afraid
That where,  as I have often reassured
My therapist,  I do not have an active
Suicide plan.
Maybe it wouldn't be
The worst thing ever, 
Especially for my family,
If it just happened.
Maybe I just don't care if I die.

So, of course,  the ER doc yells at me.
Because that is what you do
When a middle aged woman with
A 209/120 bp and an anxiety disorder,
Who you think may stroke out,
Tells you that she may want to die.

So I get Ativan,
And go home
With my angry husband
Who won't tell me he's angry.
After two days, and bruises
Where there were needles,
I begin to feel human
Again. As,  even with my meds,
My pressure starts to creep back up.
Because my life is still
The same
And I still feel helpless
To change it.

And I really don't want to die
Especially not that way
With the nausea and pain and fainting
And yelling doctors.

But I don't want this life anymore.

And I guess dying always seemed
The only way
That anything would ever change.

h.
written: 6/20/15

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

How to Lie When You're Hooked Up to Machines

According to the experts
You know
The Internet
You have to
Fuck up
Your baseline
Bite your cheek on the honest answers
Try to solve hard math
In your fucking head
While telling the truth

Is supposed to make
Your lies
Seem
Like they're
Not.

So this has been
Like a public service
Announcement
For the five of you
Who visit here

Just in case

heidi
6/16/15

The more I read about lie detectors, the more they piss me off.

This is becoming the Things That Piss Me Off blog.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

When Masturbation Turns Ugly

So.
We got to meet Caitlin Jenner
As herself
After 65 years.

And there were lots of
Interesting
Thought provoking
Intelligent
Conversations.

And there were comments that she was brave.

-Cue fucking Facebook-
        (The progenitor of most of my middle-age rage. )

With posts basically saying

That's not brave
This is brave

And a picture of a mutilated soldier.

Because we can't just use people's challenges

      To prove to ourselves how good we are anymore

      To choke our moral chicken on the inspirational suffering of others

      To pull our self righteous pud over our perceptions over how inspirational it is to be like everyone else.

Now we pause 
       mid-masturbation
   to fling
      our
         inspiration-porn-pictures
in
another
person's
face.

Use it to hurt them with the comparison:

This isn't you.
Bravery is finite.
You are no longer entitled.

Because,  after all,  Caitlin is no longer an Olympic hero...

She's a media whore.
      (Isn't that just like a woman?)

And bravery is only reserved for those that we also kind of pity.

heidi 
written: 6/3/15


I think y'all may know how I feel about Inspiration Porn,  but now people are using it to attack Caitlyn Jenner.  I'm also thinking that I may start posting more of the poems I wrote when I get pissed off.  I may actually be in a place where I am okay with it. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Let Me Ask You Something

How is it
That you've lived
This  long
And still
Don't know when
To shut your
Stupid fucking mouth.

How can you
Not tell
That each word
That falls
From your lying
Duplicitous face
Just makes it worse.

And the sorry, pathetic attempt
To justify yourself
Reminds me that
You know what you did.

I know it too.

So,  enough,  already.

Go spew your shame
Elsewhere.

While I go wash
The filth of your
Words
Off of me.

heidi
05/13/15

My favorite part of writing is where it takes me.  Which seems to be a very angry place apparently.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

NaPoWriMo Day Thirty: Backwards Romance

Our
love had
always been
earth shaking.
How would
we know
this was
the end?

heidi
written 4/30/15 for the last day of
link







We were called to write a poem starting with the ending. With it, I think I have grown a little tired of the romantic stuff. It feels like I wrote of that a lot this month. Maybe I'll write one more that's happier to go in my sweetie's pocket for Poem In Your Pocket Day.
 

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-nine: Cinquain Review of an Ex-Boyfriend (and, no, I am not talking about you.)

As a
boyfriend he could
have been better and less
needy, but man, he sure knew how
to fuck.

heidi
written 4/29/15 for
link







Today's prompt was to write a review. I cheated a little here I think, but it is still a review. And one of these days, I will keep in mind that my mother does actually read this thing.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Tea Party

Be like Gandhi and King 
We can't condone violence! 
Protest peacefully, young Americans,  
and it will all be okay. 
 
Except, peaceful protests usually 
require martyrs 
like  
Gandhi 
and  
King. 
 
But, in 2014,  
there was 
Anderson  
and 
Baker  
and  
Bennett 
and 
Berghardt 
and  
Brisbon  
and 
Brown 
and 
Cochran 
and 
Crawford 
and 
Curnell 
and 
Cusseaux  
and 
Ford 
and 
Garner 
and 
Gurley 
and 
Hamilton 
and 
Harrison 
and 
Hunt 
and 
Jones 
and 
Lake  
and 
Parker 
and 
Powell 
and 
Rice 
and 
Satterwhite 
and 
Smith 
and 
Tillman 
and 
White 
and 
Woodard. 
I think that there have been 
enough 
Martyrs. 
 
Well, what about Parks? 
She didn't tear up the bus? 
 
No. 
But she broke the fucking law. 
 
And, like  her,
and those old white men,  
who appropriated Native garb, 
and had a party in Boston
 
I think it's time to throw some fucking 
Tea 
into the fucking 
Water.
 


heidi
written 4/29/15


I wonder if this will get any reaction? My more political stuff rarely does. (And yes, that was a triple dog dare. And, I'll delete anything that is racist, trolling, nasty, or stupid.) Names used here are taken from Uptown's article 20+ Unarmed Black People Killed By Police in 2014.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-eight: Bridges

the line between
you and me is the
narrowest of bridges

heidi
written 4/28/15 for
link









Today's prompt was write about bridges. And my Camp NaNo count is 10034 words. I met my goal! Woohoo!

 

Monday, April 27, 2015

The Answer to Your Question

It's not that my breasts like to be touched.
It's that it's you touching them that sends the electric thrill
through me. 
As you commented, while your mouth 
was wrapped around my nipple,
My breasts are HUGE
and with that ...
not terribly sensitive
(and sometimes a little sore)
But I like you
and I like 
the sound of me in your voice, 
the smell of your neck,
the touch of your skin as it heats up mine
the visual confirmation of your body's
deep appreciation of my body.
So, yeah, baby, 
I like it when you do that.
 
heidi
written 4/27/15
 
 
I had an extra one in me and I have to write 2000 words, y'all.