Thursday, November 10, 2016

To My Protesting Friends, You're Doing it Wrong (A How-To From A White Ally)

So, y'all, after the clusterfuck that was Trump winning the election there have been protests across the nation because people are angry and because PROTESTING is one of the most American things that you can do. But ... according to my Facebook feed ... y'all are doing it wrong.

And you are upsetting white people!

So, I have researched and I have some pointers on how to protest
so that WHITE AMERICA (you know, America, like how the Evangelical vote was for Trump, except for the Black Evangelical vote, which is historically liberal.)

Let's start with our words.

Realize first that white people voted for Trump because of God, Economics, The Second Amendment and Our Children. (Did y'all even realize that white women had abortions?)

If a white person says or does or promotes or elects something that is:

Anti-Semitic or

Don't use those words to let them know. Actually ... Don't bring it up at all because those words are mean and white people are delicate with fragile feelings and letting us know that our behavior has a dangerous impact on people who are not white is bullying.

And white people are against bullying.

Unless you are a privileged, entitled, greedy, spoiled, braggy, white sexual predator ... and then, well,
that's just how men are, right ladies?

And if you are going to say anything about "Lives Mattering", then it needs to be ALL or BLUE.

Unless the person who killed the Blue Lives is a white, confederate-flag waving domestic terrorist. Then you need to concede that that guy is an aberration and a retard.

Speaking of which, if your child is participating in the protest, and they aren't normal, you know, they're special, then they need to be special in a way that doesn't make us uncomfortable or inconvenienced with their disability. I would recommend a verbal, attractive kid with Down Syndrome, like that girl that became a model, or that kid that got accepted to college. Maybe not so much the kids who the normal kids ask to prom. Because, they're okay when we want to admire our normal kids for giving up something important, but in person, we need a disability that we can see and feel good about ourselves for admiring that they can be almost like people, but not anything that we won't notice or will bring us down.

And speaking of broken, if you are going to have any veterans, they need to be maimed in some way.  And the more horrific, the better, because we need to look at them and imagine what they were like when they were normal. And we want to be able to point to them as examples of who we should be taking care of, if we had the money, because economics. And, of course the vet needs to be a man, because women aren't really veterans.

Speaking of men, let's address the biggest problem with these protests. They are too diverse. You need to gather healthy white men (25-40) who regularly make love to their guns. They need to take those guns to an overpass and threaten law enforcement. (Call Fox News, don't tell them that you are specifically protesting Trump.) Then, those white men and their friends and THEIR guns need to seize some sort of federal building. If they can damage property, even better! If that property is some sort of Native or minority artifact, you're gold! Entrench yourself there and promote sedition! But, whatever you do, do not take your snacks with you! That's sissy.  If you get peckish, demand your snacks like a man. Use this opportunity to lament the fact that we won't get taco trucks on every corner. We know this tactic works. America (you know, White America) approves of this method! Ask the Bundys.

(Some of you may wonder, could we use Native American men instead of white men? And I see your thinking there, as long as they didn't look too native or too white, but, no. White people will admire the mystic nobility of the Native American, but eh, seriously, they have casinos! AND they keep whining about mascots and won't let white people play with their pretty headdresses. As I have already discussed, that's bullying.)

There you go! Easy-peasy, right? I know you just needed a few little tips on how to protest so white people won't be uncomfortable. So, go fight the good fight, y'all!

written: 11/10/16

So at the deepest depths of my despair, there was, unsurprisingly, anger. And writing while angry results in satire, which y'all know makes me uncomfortable. The thing about satire is that you just can't call anything satire and it be okay. There is a line between art and oppression, and I don't quite trust myself on that line yet. All of that written so that you know that if you have any critiques, I am open. (Unless you actually complain that this is mean to white people.)

Friday, September 9, 2016


my kids to school

my son
started talking about
Chuck E. Cheese

and I remembered
sometimes on Wednesdays


would pick us up instead
of Mama
because Wednesday was one
of your days off.

The first time
I was surprised.
That's my Grampy!
And you took me to Krystals
because Mama was sick.

And then Chuck E. Cheese came
and you would take us there.

And here was Eli
in the backseat
on a Wednesday
on the way to school
talking about Chuck E. Cheese.

And I could see your face
with your smile
and your smooth

And I could hear your

And I could feel the
of seeing my

written: 9/9/16

Twenty-seven years and I still really miss my Grampy.

Saturday, August 20, 2016


So I need
to tell y'all something

but I want to preface it

I want to give all the reasons why
the following confession is a lie

but it's not.

I am a racist.

I am a 46 year old white woman who spent almost
my whole life


privilege and racism
run through me like blood.

I wish it weren't true.

I mean, it's not like I'm promoting white power
or telling racist jokes
or referring to the Them with the capital T
or giving the interview to Mary before Maria
or sharing the ugly meme
or asserting that, no, ALL lives matter
or doing the elbow sneak to lock my car door in the bad neighborhood.
I'm not even voting for Trump.

It's because I could not understand rioting until I read about Stonewall
 (and even then I only pictured white men).

It because I only want to go to the restaurants in those bad neighborhoods
 when I want really good Chinese food.

Because I forget that people who speak both AAVE and English
 are bilingual.

Because not so many years ago I would have been an all-lives-matter person.

Because I don't always speak up when I should because I don't want to hear the phrases
 I'm not racist but ...
 I don't mean to sound racist but ...
 Any of my black friends will tell you that I'm not a racist ...
 That's not racist, you're just

And there was probably some truth to the last one.

But I am not guilty anymore.

Because all my guilt ever did was make me deny my racism harder.

I can't change what I don't own.

And I own my racism.

written 8-20-16

I don't know if this one is done or not. I think it says what I want it to, but I'm not sure. It is one of those that makes me feel vulnerable, so it's hard to tell.

Also, since when CAN'T I think of a title for something? So obviously not finished. 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Pretty Planner Götterdämmerung: Catching Up

It's been a while, but here's episode 2 of Pretty Planner Gotterdammerung. You can find a copy of episode 1 here.


posted to YouTube 7/3/16

Monday, June 20, 2016

Lookout Janet

Continuing with another picture of something found,here's this page from somebody's day planner. Janet really needs to watch out.  I transcribed it below.

                                                                                                                  May 31, 2016

Daily Quote:

     "Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself." Elbert Hubbard

Daily Agenda:

     10:15   Wake up
     10:20   Breakfast
     10:50   Prepare for the day
     11:30   Annihilate some motherfuckers
     12:30   Lunch
     1:00    Take Fluffy to the vet
     2:30     Buy bunny treats
     3:00     Fuck up Janet's campaign for Junior League Treasurer
     5:00    Supper
     6:00    Ablution
     7:30 ->Free Time

transcribed 6/20/16

A little planner piece for you. (oh, see what I did?) And I think that there may be a new installment of Pretty Planner Gotterdamerung coming to a YouTube channel in your local viewing area! 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Found Diary

So I found this diary recently. I thought it was pretty interesting. Maybe this person should take a nap.  The text is transcribed below without edits.

                                                                                                         3/29/16 [cut off in photo]

Dear Fucking Diary,

    The world is so mean. Here I am, trying to do everyone a favor, and they dump on me. And I don't know why? I mean, I know all the greatest words, right? The best words. The best fucking words EVER and all they do is mock me. And it shouldn't matter, it really shouldn't matter what mean people or the liberal-biased media says, after all, I have a young and beautiful piece of ass, but still. It hurts. It hurts way bad. I promise to build a great wall- because nobody builds walls better than me, believe me- that is inexpensive AND paid for by Mexico- and do they appreciate it? NOOOOOOOO! I try to tell them about my "extremely credible source that can prove that birth certificate is fake-and they ignore me. This is why politics is such a disgrace- why good people don't go into government. Because of the bullies and meanyfaces who don't recognize my awesomamilitude!
     You think they never watched TV before. Like they don't know who I AM. And you know all of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me-consciously or unconsciously (so expected) and still all people want to do is drag me down.
     Filthy pigs.
     And it is sooooo not TRUE.
     [see picture above of drawing of hand]

     My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

     Just watch. They'll beg me. Please be our boss. We neeed you so much to make America unsuck. And I'll just be like NOPE!!! 

     Sorry America. Sorry uneducated people. It's okay. My IQ is one of the highest-and you all know it! Please don't feel stupid or insecure; it's not your fault.
     But you won't let me be president. So I'm not gonna play with you ANYMORE AMERICA!

     Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight.

transcribed 6/11/16

I wonder what else I can find laying around Alabama? 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016


there's that moment
when you
               look back

that almost all
of your decisions
were the

Wrong ones.

Because you believed Helena
when she said

"Where will you find anyone else who will



(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)

But maybe not such a bad question

when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.

Learning along the way that

I need to be loved by anyone else


that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with

and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)

I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me

and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.

When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me

and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
to others and
never to

And so
wait for it
to be over

while my anger
flames throughout me

maybe I am a phoenix


get out of the way

because I yearn to


written 5/4/16

What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception.  I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Thirty: Now That It's Over

now it's over
maybe I can visit blogs
read what's written.

written 4/30/16 for

 I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

Friday, April 29, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Nine: A Good Day To Cry

doctor saddens me
still I binge watch compulsively
today's for sobbing.

written 4/29/16 for

He gets to me, the Doctor does.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Eight: An Odd Sort of NaPo

four things scheduled
in as many days, my
depression is pissed.

written 4/29/16 for

This has been a weird NaPo year for me.