Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Reflections

there's that moment
when you
               look back
and
       See.

that almost all
of your decisions
were the

Wrong ones.

Because you believed Helena
when she said

"Where will you find anyone else who will

love

you?"

(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)

But maybe not such a bad question

when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.

Learning along the way that

I need to be loved by anyone else

AND

that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with
toil.

and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)

I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me

and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.

When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me

and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
duty
to others and
never to
myself.

And so
I
wait for it
to be over

while my anger
flames throughout me

maybe I am a phoenix

incendiary

get out of the way

because I yearn to

combust.

heidi
written 5/4/16

What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception.  I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Thirty: Now That It's Over

now it's over
maybe I can visit blogs
read what's written.

heidi
written 4/30/16 for






 I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

Friday, April 29, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Nine: A Good Day To Cry

doctor saddens me
still I binge watch compulsively
today's for sobbing.

heidi
written 4/29/16 for






He gets to me, the Doctor does.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Eight: An Odd Sort of NaPo

four things scheduled
in as many days, my
depression is pissed.

heidi
written 4/29/16 for






This has been a weird NaPo year for me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Seven: Don't Blink

my son fanboys
Weeping Angels, watching with me
growing during blinks

heidi
written 4/27/16





My little fellow is growing up too fast. 

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Six: Happy Birthday Jo

so much accomplished
in such a short time
deserves our celebrations!


heidi
written 4/27/16 for





So for the 26th, my daughter participated in the Special Olympics, and my friend Jo had both a birthday and a film screening. It was a good day.

Monday, April 25, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Five: Help Me Out

coughing up frogs
that's gotta mean something like
armageddon or ...

heidi
written 4/25/16


Holy fuck, I have run outta words. I have failed my form. What would fit? Butts? Hemorrhoids? Constipation? Republicans? Feminazis? (yes, I am still pissed about that.)

I am open to suggestions.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Four: I Thought I Had Posted A Poem

Saturday night
I dreamed that my throat
was sore
        just a little twinge every tenth swallow

and my mouth felt fluffy
even after eating blackberries

so i looked in the mirror and moths
black and more lovebug
than moth looking
were crawling on my teeth
        which were purple from the blackberries
and the moths, which i knew were moths
and not lovebugs because
my mouth felt glimmery

those lovebug looking moths
wouldn't get out of my mouth
until i spit
and then they were dead
their wadded bodies in the sink

and my throat twinged and made me cough

i coughed up a handful of muck
which turned out to be a bunch of baby green frogs
looking at me like
what the fuck, heidi?

and i was unsure if they were upset
that they were in my throat
or that i had coughed them up.

as it occurred to me to be
freaked out

i woke up


with a twinge in my throat on the tenth swallow.

and i learned that if you google
"dream of coughing up f"
it will auto suggest
"frogs"

which, to me, is next level freaky shit.

which is why i am writing this on the twenty-fifth instead the twenty-fourth.


heidi
written 4/25/16 for







I have some fucked up dreams y'all.


Saturday, April 23, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Three: Ouroborous

everything in decay
breaking without warning requesting new
start again tomorrow.

heidi
written 4/23/16 for







What would I do without Collom Lunes?

Friday, April 22, 2016

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Two: The Oak Tree

erupting in green
new leaves reach towards sun
shading the yard.

heidi
written 4/22/16 for