there's that moment
when you
look back
and
See.
that almost all
of your decisions
were the
Wrong ones.
Because you believed Helena
when she said
"Where will you find anyone else who will
love
you?"
(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)
But maybe not such a bad question
when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.
Learning along the way that
I need to be loved by anyone else
AND
that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with
toil.
and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)
I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me
and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.
When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me
and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
duty
to others and
never to
myself.
And so
I
wait for it
to be over
while my anger
flames throughout me
maybe I am a phoenix
incendiary
get out of the way
because I yearn to
combust.
heidi
written 5/4/16
What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception. I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.
when you
look back
and
See.
that almost all
of your decisions
were the
Wrong ones.
Because you believed Helena
when she said
"Where will you find anyone else who will
love
you?"
(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)
But maybe not such a bad question
when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.
Learning along the way that
I need to be loved by anyone else
AND
that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with
toil.
and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)
I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me
and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.
When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me
and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
duty
to others and
never to
myself.
And so
I
wait for it
to be over
while my anger
flames throughout me
maybe I am a phoenix
incendiary
get out of the way
because I yearn to
combust.
heidi
written 5/4/16
What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception. I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.
