Reflections

there's that moment
when you
               look back
and
       See.

that almost all
of your decisions
were the

Wrong ones.

Because you believed Helena
when she said

"Where will you find anyone else who will

love

you?"

(Huge mistake from an otherwise excellent and gentle counselor.)

But maybe not such a bad question

when almost every move
of my adult life
has been predicated on that question.

Learning along the way that

I need to be loved by anyone else

AND

that I am fundamentally unlovable
and that any regard
must be won with
toil.

and I let it break me
(although Melissa asserts that I am not broken.)

I am broken with
what I sacrificed
the job
the house
the car
the dog
the degree
the license
the joy
the comfort of myself
the unconditional okayness of me

and I try to hold the pieces
of what is left
together with
a sense of humor.

When what I want is to run
but I can't
because two more people
are linked to me

and I want to change
but I can't
because I now have a role that requires
duty
to others and
never to
myself.

And so
I
wait for it
to be over

while my anger
flames throughout me

maybe I am a phoenix

incendiary

get out of the way

because I yearn to

combust.

heidi
written 5/4/16

What happens when you can't get in touch with your doctor to get your prozac refilled. I read that people who have depression are able to see things more realistically, that happiness requires a level of self-deception.  I don't know if I want to lie to myself at all right now. I think, at this moment, I am too old for that shit. I can be young and self-deceiving some other day.