Untitled

So I need
to tell y'all something

but I want to preface it
first

I want to give all the reasons why
the following confession is a lie

but it's not.

I am a racist.

I am a 46 year old white woman who spent almost
my whole life

in
Alabama.

privilege and racism
run through me like blood.

I wish it weren't true.

I mean, it's not like I'm promoting white power
or telling racist jokes
or referring to the Them with the capital T
or giving the interview to Mary before Maria
or sharing the ugly meme
or asserting that, no, ALL lives matter
or doing the elbow sneak to lock my car door in the bad neighborhood.
I'm not even voting for Trump.

It's because I could not understand rioting until I read about Stonewall
 (and even then I only pictured white men).

It because I only want to go to the restaurants in those bad neighborhoods
 when I want really good Chinese food.

Because I forget that people who speak both AAVE and English
 are bilingual.

Because not so many years ago I would have been an all-lives-matter person.

Because I don't always speak up when I should because I don't want to hear the phrases
 I'm not racist but ...
 I don't mean to sound racist but ...
 Any of my black friends will tell you that I'm not a racist ...
 That's not racist, you're just
                     oversensitive
                     brainwashed
                     guilty

And there was probably some truth to the last one.

But I am not guilty anymore.

Because all my guilt ever did was make me deny my racism harder.

I can't change what I don't own.

And I own my racism.

heidi
written 8-20-16

I don't know if this one is done or not. I think it says what I want it to, but I'm not sure. It is one of those that makes me feel vulnerable, so it's hard to tell.

Also, since when CAN'T I think of a title for something? So obviously not finished.