Thursday, November 10, 2016

To My Protesting Friends, You're Doing it Wrong (A How-To From A White Ally)

So, y'all, after the clusterfuck that was Trump winning the election there have been protests across the nation because people are angry and because PROTESTING is one of the most American things that you can do. But ... according to my Facebook feed ... y'all are doing it wrong.

And you are upsetting white people!

So, I have researched and I have some pointers on how to protest
so that WHITE AMERICA (you know, America, like how the Evangelical vote was for Trump, except for the Black Evangelical vote, which is historically liberal.)

Let's start with our words.

Realize first that white people voted for Trump because of God, Economics, The Second Amendment and Our Children. (Did y'all even realize that white women had abortions?)

If a white person says or does or promotes or elects something that is:

Anti-Semitic or

Don't use those words to let them know. Actually ... Don't bring it up at all because those words are mean and white people are delicate with fragile feelings and letting us know that our behavior has a dangerous impact on people who are not white is bullying.

And white people are against bullying.

Unless you are a privileged, entitled, greedy, spoiled, braggy, white sexual predator ... and then, well,
that's just how men are, right ladies?

And if you are going to say anything about "Lives Mattering", then it needs to be ALL or BLUE.

Unless the person who killed the Blue Lives is a white, confederate-flag waving domestic terrorist. Then you need to concede that that guy is an aberration and a retard.

Speaking of which, if your child is participating in the protest, and they aren't normal, you know, they're special, then they need to be special in a way that doesn't make us uncomfortable or inconvenienced with their disability. I would recommend a verbal, attractive kid with Down Syndrome, like that girl that became a model, or that kid that got accepted to college. Maybe not so much the kids who the normal kids ask to prom. Because, they're okay when we want to admire our normal kids for giving up something important, but in person, we need a disability that we can see and feel good about ourselves for admiring that they can be almost like people, but not anything that we won't notice or will bring us down.

And speaking of broken, if you are going to have any veterans, they need to be maimed in some way.  And the more horrific, the better, because we need to look at them and imagine what they were like when they were normal. And we want to be able to point to them as examples of who we should be taking care of, if we had the money, because economics. And, of course the vet needs to be a man, because women aren't really veterans.

Speaking of men, let's address the biggest problem with these protests. They are too diverse. You need to gather healthy white men (25-40) who regularly make love to their guns. They need to take those guns to an overpass and threaten law enforcement. (Call Fox News, don't tell them that you are specifically protesting Trump.) Then, those white men and their friends and THEIR guns need to seize some sort of federal building. If they can damage property, even better! If that property is some sort of Native or minority artifact, you're gold! Entrench yourself there and promote sedition! But, whatever you do, do not take your snacks with you! That's sissy.  If you get peckish, demand your snacks like a man. Use this opportunity to lament the fact that we won't get taco trucks on every corner. We know this tactic works. America (you know, White America) approves of this method! Ask the Bundys.

(Some of you may wonder, could we use Native American men instead of white men? And I see your thinking there, as long as they didn't look too native or too white, but, no. White people will admire the mystic nobility of the Native American, but eh, seriously, they have casinos! AND they keep whining about mascots and won't let white people play with their pretty headdresses. As I have already discussed, that's bullying.)

There you go! Easy-peasy, right? I know you just needed a few little tips on how to protest so white people won't be uncomfortable. So, go fight the good fight, y'all!

written: 11/10/16

So at the deepest depths of my despair, there was, unsurprisingly, anger. And writing while angry results in satire, which y'all know makes me uncomfortable. The thing about satire is that you just can't call anything satire and it be okay. There is a line between art and oppression, and I don't quite trust myself on that line yet. All of that written so that you know that if you have any critiques, I am open. (Unless you actually complain that this is mean to white people.)


  1. I don't know what I expected, but this is brilliant.

    The only note I can think of is that on the Veterans paragraph, perhaps you could mention something about wounded vets being used as props while knowing that the exploiters have no intention of paying for veterans benefits. Your rant is glorious as it is, but I figure you could play with this element a bit.


  2. Thank you for writing this. As an American of Mexican descent, who graduated from a state university, and a homeowner in Southern California, I didn't think I was either part of the great unwashed nor the liberal elite. I can't imagine what great America PEOTUS is referring to, unless its the Jim Crow, pre-suffragette, anti-miscegenation past that wasn't great for all of us.

    On the plus side, the Reps will have to govern this country of 340 million independent, kvetching materialists and they'll see it's more than just sloganeering and red caps to hide male pattern baldness.

    Oh, by the way, I love you. - Mosk

  3. Wish I could argue with any of this. Sigh.

    Please don't think all of us in red states are racist homophobes. Some of us may have even voted against the red-faced orange-haired... um... uniter (is that the word we're supposed to be using now?)

    Please don't think everyone who voted for him is not a misogynistic bigot. Although not being one but saying it's ok to be one... well that can't be the same thing, can it? Nah!

    It's all going to be fine in the end though. Because I'm pretty sure as long as he magically brings jobs and has the approval of Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity (those bastions of equality, goodwill, and acceptance), then it's ok if he's a xenophobic hatemongerer. At least that's the message I'm getting.

  4. Interesting. I like hearing your thoughts.


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