Monday, October 1, 2018

Who I Want to Be

I want to be The Dr.'s Vincent
Creating beauty from the pain
Joy from the Storm

But I am not there yet
My fingers touch the keys
And what flows is just my pain
Lacking any ability to see light

I want to write of how much
I hate her
In her ignorance
And undeserved power
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
He broke my heart
And how mad I am at him
And his false accusations
But have it transform

I want to write of how
Fundamentally stupid I find her
And how she refuses to see the real me
And the real her
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
I still miss him every damn day
Even though he has been gone so long
And happy not being here
But have it transform.

I want to pull myself
I want to transform.

written: 10/01/18

So mainly what has happened here is that I did not adjust well to the change in my antidepressant. I went from feeling apathy and hopelessness to ALL the feelings, ALL at once. It was overwhelming to say the least. This was a temper tantrum I had after my husband fell asleep before washing the dishes after he promised that he would. (Bless his heart). Shortly after this, I called my doctor and we lowered my dosage and now I can feel appropriate things at appropriate times. I want to just delete this post because it embarrasses me, but that seems dishonest. If I am going to be confessionalist (which seems to be my goto), then every now and then I am going to post something embarrassing. 


  1. IDK what this is exactly about, but I just want you to get past this and move into the sunlight more. Please try and remember there is more to this world than what you're feeling now. The feelings will subside. Love to you - Mosk

    1. Thank you, Mosk. You're comment helped me realize that it might be time to call the doctor and get my new med adjusted. I am feeling much better now. Hugs!

    2. Your, not you're. I am totally blaming that on autocorrect and not on lazy typing.


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