Who I Want to Be

I want to be The Dr.'s Vincent
Creating beauty from the pain
Joy from the Storm

But I am not there yet
My fingers touch the keys
And what flows is just my pain
Bare
Naked
Lacking any ability to see light

I want to write of how much
I hate her
In her ignorance
And undeserved power
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
He broke my heart
And how mad I am at him
And his false accusations
But have it transform

I want to write of how
Fundamentally stupid I find her
And how she refuses to see the real me
And the real her
But have it transform

I want to write of how much
I still miss him every damn day
Even though he has been gone so long
And happy not being here
But have it transform.

I want to pull myself
Up
And
Out
I want to transform.

heidi
written: 10/01/18

So mainly what has happened here is that I did not adjust well to the change in my antidepressant. I went from feeling apathy and hopelessness to ALL the feelings, ALL at once. It was overwhelming to say the least. This was a temper tantrum I had after my husband fell asleep before washing the dishes after he promised that he would. (Bless his heart). Shortly after this, I called my doctor and we lowered my dosage and now I can feel appropriate things at appropriate times. I want to just delete this post because it embarrasses me, but that seems dishonest. If I am going to be confessionalist (which seems to be my goto), then every now and then I am going to post something embarrassing.