Thursday, May 2, 2013

Guilty Confession of an Accidental Stay at Home Mom

Guilty Confession of an Accidental Stay at Home Mom

knowing
that I am not the best for them
hoping
that I am enough
fearing
that they are the ones who will suffer
regretting
that my children are the only people who want to hire me

heidi
written 5/2/13
submitted to dVerse Meeting the Bar 5/2/13


so maybe i'm starting a napowrimo1/2?

44 comments:

  1. Hi Heidi! Can I relate or what? Loved this on many levels

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    1. Thank you Audrey. It's nice that I'm not alone, and I am glad that you liked it.

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  2. i hear you... i stayed at home with my three kids for 13 years before i went back to a full time job - and sometimes i thought i'm not doing a good "job" at home - but then... even in our imperfection, we love them and give our best - and this is what counts..smiles

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    1. Hi Claudia! Homemaking is kicking me soundly in the butt. And to make it worse, I go to the craftymom, homesteadingmom, ilovebeingastayathomemom blogs and read them like they were porn. Maybe I need an internet intervention.

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  3. And for me, I have always been away from home, so I lack that experience.

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  4. I know the feeling, Heidi. I've been a house-husband for much of the past two years, partly because of health, partly because my wife is the only one who sees interested in taking me on. Sometimes I'm fine with it, sometimes I'd rather be doing almost anything else.

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    1. Hi Tony! You do get it. I think if it had been "I am going to not work outside of the home because I think it would be best for my children" rather than "I can't find a job, so now my husband has to work two to support us, and the sweetie-pies are with me all the time" , then it would be different. The good moments, when all I see is them happy and funny and making up wonderful games and laughing are wonderful. The cranky moments when we are all too tired and frustrated with each other are the ones that convince me that I am messing up everything. I think it's called burnout.

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  5. smiles...if only that could be a job you know...to care for our kids and just be with them...my wife stayed home til the boys went to school...and while it was hard at first she loves what she does now...

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    1. Hi Brian! It would help if I could convince someone that I should be paid for at-home-momery (I think that is the official title)!

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  6. Guilt?
    What nonsense. You should be proud.
    I'm sure they will, when they are old enough for reflection.

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    1. Hi Aprille! Proud would be nice, but I think I would settle first for not-exhausted-all-of-the-time. Maybe this is why people have their children in their twenties instead of their forties!

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  7. A mother is the one job I hope to have more than any other job. No other career could be as fulfilling (in my opinion) so I am patiently waiting my turn. Keep up the hard work Heidi. Funny, since I told you share my mothers name just that alone made me read the poem again. I like it. :)

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    1. Hey Gretchen! Thank you for the kind comment. I think that you would make a very sweet mother.

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  8. From point point of view, there is no more beautiful, meaningful job in the world...I suspect you will hear this from a lot of us. You will make such a difference in their lives down the road. Change those gerunds to knowing...all three of them!

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    1. Hi Victoria! I'm so glad that you stopped by!

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  9. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I am forever grateful because of it!

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    1. Hi Charleen! Welcome to the lasagna!

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    2. Hi Charlene! Welcome to the lasagna!

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  10. I'll bet you're doing a great job!

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  11. The hoping and fearing--that's normal. The regret? Nah. If the kids want to hire you, I'd trust their judgment over the pseudo-professional mommy blogger types any day. Just remember--kids don't come with recipes like lasagna. It's a trial and error thing. Fine writing here, and I think you speak for a lot of moms out there.

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    1. I so love that - kids don't come with recipes like lasagna! Hoo hoots!

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    2. Hi Nico! Ninot is right, the line about kids and lasagna recipes was hilarious and clever. And, I wish they did come with just a small 3x5 card recipe. With more than just "add love". Thanks for the kind comment. I always enjoy you input.

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  12. Oh, I do this too, just about every day. i think every mother does. You caught that feeling so well, and I love this.

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    1. Hi Susan! Thanks for the visit and for the support. I feel comforted that I'm not alone and sad that any of us ever feel this way.

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  13. I greatly respect stay-at-home mothers choice or accidental. (I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what the latter means exactly.)It must be such a task. The narrator seems worn out, perhaps not assured of how she is doing with her children, and thus the feelings of self has seemingly depleted? There's a feeling of loneliness in these lines.

    Interesting piece.

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    1. Hi Ravenblack! Thanks for the visit. It is interesting that you picked up on loneliness, because I wasn't thinking about it when I wrote this poem, but it is there.

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  14. a stay at home mom is probably one of the most selfless jobs one can take on. and all the more so to be worrying if you are doing the best for them, this is a beautiful voice to be expressing.

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  15. I think mothers can be way too hard on themselves, but I'd go along with Donald Winnicott's idea of a "just good enough mother" - that's all that's needed, no one has to be a supermom.

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    1. Hi Rowan! I had to go look up Winnicott:-) I think that I should have read his stuff before, but I haven't. I think there is some interesting research in my future.

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  16. ah veery typical of mommy wantign to give the kids the best. Loved it~!:)

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    1. Hi Akila! Thanks for visiting. I'm so glad you liked it.

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  17. I know how you feel Heidi I am a stay at home mom. Growing up my own mother worked multiple jobs there were a few years where I only saw her on special occasions and for a few minutes when she woke me up in the middle of the night to say hello. I wanted to spend the early years with my daughter, so I wouldn't miss everything the way circumstances forced my mother too, I thought I might work part-time as she got older but uncontrolled Epilepsy has put a hold on that. Since I just have 1 child she goes to daycare 3 days a week for a few hours to play with other children which I think she prefers to being at home to tell you the truth! Being a mother is a hard job! You sound like a very caring mother and to me the best mothers are always trying to do what is best for their children even if sometimes they don't know what that is! I only get worried about those moms who think they are awesome and stop listening to their children.

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    1. Hi Mindlovemisery!

      Thank you for the very kind support. I always look forward to your comments.

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  18. so so many of us around... a cry from our hearts and well said!!

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    1. Hi Gerry! Welcome to the lasagna and thanks for the visit.

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  19. Stay at home, working mums - we always torture ourselves like this. I have five, and each daughter is different - so I hear you Heidi!

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    1. Hi Ninot! Five girls, how wonderful! I wish it wasn't so common for mothers to be so self-doubting.

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    2. Hi Ninot! I wish that we could be kinder to ourselves. And five girls...how wonderful!

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  20. Staying at home is considered to be unacceptable in our society. One is supposed to be a careerist and " interesting " but most importantly making a good salary so as to contribute to an upper middle class life style. We are defined by our careers. Societal pressure is unrelenting in this way. Staying at home = boring vacuous apron wearing scone baker. ...which of course is entirely untrue.

    Unfortunately I did not have the strength of character to resist this pressure...I love being at home working at writing and the creative arts.. I will always regret having not done this earlier
    in my life where placing value on the good opinion and impressing others has cost me dearly in wasted time being "successful"!

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    1. Hi Cressida! I think at this point my only goal in life is to be able to go to the bathroom without an entourage, although I may miss the cheering when I am able to go potty like a big girl.

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Hi! Thank you for the visit! Grab a plate and a sweet tea and let's dig in. It may take a while, but I always try to reply and return visits.