Father's Day

In the world
I'd pick no other man
For their dad.

heidi
written : 6 / 21/15

The Only Way

I get bruises from the
Blood pressure cuffs
On both arms.

The triage nurse
couldn't promise my husband
That I wouldn't have
A stroke
Just walking to my room.

The nurse comes in and sticks me
I now have an IV port
And a blown blood vessel
And my mouth is dry
But I can't have ice
Because that may also cause
A stroke.

The ER doctor asks
So many questions
Mostly about why am I
Not taking my antidepressants
Why have I not gone to the gynecologist
For my 8 month period
Why haven't I followed up
On my ever increasing
Blood pressure.

And I have to admit
That I am afraid
That where,  as I have often reassured
My therapist,  I do not have an active
Suicide plan.
Maybe it wouldn't be
The worst thing ever, 
Especially for my family,
If it just happened.
Maybe I just don't care if I die.

So, of course,  the ER doc yells at me.
Because that is what you do
When a middle aged woman with
A 209/120 bp and an anxiety disorder,
Who you think may stroke out,
Tells you that she may want to die.

So I get Ativan,
And go home
With my angry husband
Who won't tell me he's angry.
After two days, and bruises
Where there were needles,
I begin to feel human
Again. As,  even with my meds,
My pressure starts to creep back up.
Because my life is still
The same
And I still feel helpless
To change it.

And I really don't want to die
Especially not that way
With the nausea and pain and fainting
And yelling doctors.

But I don't want this life anymore.

And I guess dying always seemed
The only way
That anything would ever change.

h.
written: 6/20/15

How to Lie When You're Hooked Up to Machines

According to the experts
You know
The Internet
You have to
Fuck up
Your baseline
Bite your cheek on the honest answers
Try to solve hard math
In your fucking head
While telling the truth

Is supposed to make
Your lies
Seem
Like they're
Not.

So this has been
Like a public service
Announcement
For the five of you
Who visit here

Just in case

heidi
6/16/15

The more I read about lie detectors, the more they piss me off.

This is becoming the Things That Piss Me Off blog.

When Masturbation Turns Ugly

So.
We got to meet Caitlin Jenner
As herself
After 65 years.

And there were lots of
Interesting
Thought provoking
Intelligent
Conversations.

And there were comments that she was brave.

-Cue fucking Facebook-

        (The progenitor of most of my middle-age rage. )

With posts basically saying

That's not brave
This is brave

And a picture of a mutilated soldier.

Because we can't just use people's challenges

      To prove to ourselves how good we are anymore

      To choke our moral chicken on the inspirational suffering of others

      To pull our self righteous pud over our perceptions over how inspirational it is to be like everyone else.

Now we pause 

       mid-masturbation
   to fling
      our
         inspiration-porn-pictures
in
another
person's
face.

Use it to hurt them with the comparison:

This isn't you.
Bravery is finite.
You are no longer entitled.

Because,  after all,  Caitlin is no longer an Olympic hero...

She's a media whore.
      (Isn't that just like a woman?)

And bravery is only reserved for those that we also kind of pity.

heidi 

written: 6/3/15

I think y'all may know how I feel about Inspiration Porn,  but now people are using it to attack Caitlyn Jenner.  I'm also thinking that I may start posting more of the poems I wrote when I get pissed off.  I may actually be in a place where I am okay with it.