The Only Way

I get bruises from the
Blood pressure cuffs
On both arms.

The triage nurse
couldn't promise my husband
That I wouldn't have
A stroke
Just walking to my room.

The nurse comes in and sticks me
I now have an IV port
And a blown blood vessel
And my mouth is dry
But I can't have ice
Because that may also cause
A stroke.

The ER doctor asks
So many questions
Mostly about why am I
Not taking my antidepressants
Why have I not gone to the gynecologist
For my 8 month period
Why haven't I followed up
On my ever increasing
Blood pressure.

And I have to admit
That I am afraid
That where,  as I have often reassured
My therapist,  I do not have an active
Suicide plan.
Maybe it wouldn't be
The worst thing ever, 
Especially for my family,
If it just happened.
Maybe I just don't care if I die.

So, of course,  the ER doc yells at me.
Because that is what you do
When a middle aged woman with
A 209/120 bp and an anxiety disorder,
Who you think may stroke out,
Tells you that she may want to die.

So I get Ativan,
And go home
With my angry husband
Who won't tell me he's angry.
After two days, and bruises
Where there were needles,
I begin to feel human
Again. As,  even with my meds,
My pressure starts to creep back up.
Because my life is still
The same
And I still feel helpless
To change it.

And I really don't want to die
Especially not that way
With the nausea and pain and fainting
And yelling doctors.

But I don't want this life anymore.

And I guess dying always seemed
The only way
That anything would ever change.

h.
written: 6/20/15