Untitled

forbidden word lingers
like a needed release waiting
wanting the unwantable

heidi
written: 6/10/19

Alone

the earth revolves
the days pass by without
anyone else here.

heidi
written: 6/9/19

Since You've Been Gone

no romantic movies
no more happily ever afters
just come back

heidi
written: 6/2/19


I miss my Darrell. 

NaPoWriMo Day Thirty: Invisible

I wish I
could gift you my life
saving us both


heidi
written: 4/30/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Nine

falling, falling apart
one piece at a time
so fucking slow


heidi
written: 4/30/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Eight: Mistakes

every day harder
when all you ever make
are the mistakes


heidi
written 4/30/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Seven: Despair

when's the end
I wait for the stop
still, i'm here.

heidi
written 4/30/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Six: Alone

Alone is all around me
like a blow-up ring
for swimming

alone

Alone is all around me
isolating me from
what may be within reach

alone

Alone is all around me
keeping me to myself
all alone

alone

Alone is all around me
and threatens to fill me
full of alone

alone

Alone is all around me.

heidi
written: 4/26/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Five: Depressed

My whole life
is waiting to catch up
I'm so behind.

heidi
written: 4/25/19 for:

NapoWriMo Day Twenty-Four: Haunting

my sweet man
visits my dreams but doesn't
talk to me.

heidi
written: 4/24/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-Three: Sofie

exuberant and bouncy
she is a good dog
my sweet Sofie

heidi
written: 4/24/19 for:

Ahh! Running behind!

NaPoWriMo Dayy Twenty-Two: Art

the artform that
is my younger brother, now
a good man.

heidi
written: 4/22/19 for:

Happy Birthday to the best brother ever!

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty-One: Sleep

wavy lacy nights
tip toe through the ethos
pitter patter pillows

heidi
written: 4/21/19 for:

This was just words for words sake, I think.

NaPoWriMo Day Twenty: Talking Poem

right out loud
the words fall out, about
every day language

heidi
written: 4/20/19 for:

I was supposed to write in everyday language, which I do everyday, and today it came out a little different. 

NaPoWriMo Day Nineteen: Abecedarian

A big cat
devours each fine grace
hiding its juvenile kin
licking morsels new, old
probing quiet reality
tots underneath verbal, whining
Xena's young, zealous.

heidi
written; 4/19/19 for:

Okay, so that was fun! I had the hardest time trying to find an "r" word for some reason.  I don't remember writing an abecedarian like this. I usually write them with the first word of each line following the alphabet. I wanted to challenge myself a little more, so I did it the strict way. And I like it. I don't get it, but I like it. 

NaPoWriMo Day Eighteen: The Why

it's the why
that leaves the biggest void
the empty, hungry ache
in my stomach.

why did you die?
why did you wait?
why did I let you wait so long?
why didn't you know that you were worth more than a hospital bill?
why are you gone?
why am I still here?
why am I going through daily without you?
why?

I yell for you when the house gets too quiet.
why won't you answer?
I talk to your ashes
but they are silent.

it's unfinished business
this why
without a way to answer.


heidi
written 4/18/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Seventeen: iPad

watching my insides
always touching, swiping my face
don't drop me.

heidi
written 4/17/19 for:

This was a fun one! But it helps that I have had a really good day.

NaPoWriMo Day Sixteen: Writer's Block

sitting looking waiting
the equivalent of writing constipation
where're my words?

heidi
written 4/16/19 for:

So blocked this morning.

NaPoWriMo Day Fifteen: Collom Lune Instead

No monologue today
There are so few words
Within my reach

heidi
 written: 4/15/19 for:

I just don't have enough words for a monologue today. 

NaPoWriMo Day Fourteen: Untitled

Running the herd
Are you really heard, or
Are you hurt?


heidi
written: 4/14/19 for:

Meh. We are working with homonyms, homographs,  and homophones today. I was really reaching for something. I did like the scant rhyme in there, though.

NaPoWriMo Day Thirteen: He's Dying

Ma'am,  you need
To come back now, it
Is almost time.

heidi
written 4/14/19 for:

I'm a day behind.  The day thirteen prompt was to write something scary. This is what the nurse said to me before my husband's heart stopped the first time in the hospital. 

NaPoWriMo Day Twelve: Dissolution

Our marriage
fell away
piece
  by
     piece

We were friendly
distant
roommates
with no where for me to
store my love for you

I couldn't dismantle
the walls
you would build
quick enough

and then you were gone.

Before I was ever sure that you knew
How much I love you.

heidi
written: 4/12/19 for:

Today I followed the prompt, sort of, by writing about the dismantling of something important.

NaPoWriMo Day Eleven: This Me

Where did I begin?
This me
now?

I started where you ended
the first day of that 15 day journey
with your first step
away
from me

I break from the chrysalis
of your death

lonelier
angrier
sadder
and
stronger

from the loss and the love of you.

This me misses you.

heidi
written: 4/11/19 for:

Well, I have definitely carved out a theme for this year's NaPo. We were supposed to write an origin story. 

NaPoWriMo Day Ten: Another Thing

We had a passion
hotter than the blue blazes
that our marriage
seemed to
extinguish

One that we could never
seem to recreate
before you died.

It's another thing about us
that I mourn.

heidi
written: 4/10/19 for:

NaPoWriMo Day Nine: Things

A List of Things That Ease the Pain of You Being Gone:














heidi
written: 4/9/19 for:

Okay, so maybe that's kind of a cheat, but maybe I'm a cheater.

NaPoWriMo Day Eight: Naughty Puppy

happy dog munches
don't you eat my shoe
another footwear fatality


heidi
written: 4/8/19 for:

While I was trying to write a poem using slang as per today's prompt, my Sofie came into the room with one of my shoes that I forgot to put away. And so, a poem was born.

NaPoWriMo Day Seven: Not Therapy

poetry isn't therapy
mine is regurgitation, spewing out
putrid, emotional toxins


heidi
written: 4/7/19 for:

What the hell? That seemed to have come out of the blue? You'd never know that I am really hungry and trying to get through and catch up so that I can go get some lunch. Sheesh.

NaPoWriMo Day Six: If Only

if
if only
if only I had
if only I had taken you

one
     day
         earlier

if
if only
if only I had
if only I had done that

would
would you
would you be here

with me

now?


heidi
written: 4/7/19 for

The prompt for day six was to write a poem about the if's. I only have one huge one that lives with me every day right now. 

NaPoWriMo Day Five: Birthday

my world changed
12 years ago today with
those blue eyes.

heidi
written: 4/7/19 for

I went on a small trip for my sweet girl's birthday, so I am behind a little. I am also super off prompt with this one, but I was more inspired to write for my girl. Love you, Aoife! 

NaPoWriMo Day Four: Canon

Rewrite your death
Erase it from our story
Return to me.


heidi
written: 4/4/19 for

The challenge for today is to write a poem that achieves sadness through simplicity. Et voila! A Collom Lune about my grief. (I think that she must have been thinking about me when she wrote the challenge.)  

NaPoWriMo Day Three: Once Upon A Time

it started
with a class

that lead to a friendship
that became an affair

that fizzled

but the friendship remained

and became a romance

which evolved into a marriage
with three babies
but only two lived
and four dogs...over time

that lasted thirteen years

until this January
when your heart stopped
and mine broke

ending

our happily ever after.

heidi
written: 4/3/19 for

For today, we are to write a poem that takes time and covers time. I am not sure that I am exactly doing that, but it is longer than the poems that I have been writing lately. So there's that. 

NaPoWriMo Day Two: Questions

How do I?
When the days drag by
Why'd you go?

heidi
written: 4/2/19 for



The prompt for today was to write a poem of questions that ends with a question. I fell back to my handy Collom Lune, and it may sound familiar. My Lunes tend to start to sound alike when I write a bunch on the same subject.

NaPoWriMo Day One: How to Say Goodbye

First you have to figure out what (or who) you are saying goodbye to.

I am saying goodbye to some Barbeque Chips.

In the form of a letter
  (that is also a poem-ish)

Dear Chips,

I bought you for my Darrell.
You were his favorites.
Now he is gone
and you are still in my pantry
Along with his oatmeal cakes.

And I don't want to eat you
so I should give you away,
it would be a waste to throw you away
you've never been opened.

But if you aren't waiting for him
in our pantry
then that's one more thing
telling me that he is
never
coming
back.

And I am not ready to admit that yet.
So maybe I can't say goodbye to you yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

Love,
Heidi

So maybe this is a how-not-to-say-goodbye-yet-poem.


heidi
written" 4/1/19 for






So Day One is done and on time for NaPo! Woohoo! I am going to focus on that sense of accomplishment rather than how sad I feel from writing it. Also, I am really bad at how-to's.

NaPoWriMo Early-Bird: Warrior Pose

Finding my Way
Keeping up the fight and
Not giving up.

heidi
written: 4/1/19 for




I am starting out a little behind, so a day late for the early-bird, but here it is. The prompt was to write a poetic self-portrait, but with you as someone famous. I wrote a Collom Lune with me as Xena. And before you're like "uh, Heidi, she's not real." I know that, but she's my hero and had a lot of loss and hard times and I am still mourning my husband. Also, I may be a little touchy.

Tears Like Tornados

my blocked tears
suddenly freed, flow like tornados
unpredictable and intermittent

heidi
written: 02/05/19

Darrell

in dark night

i'll say your name aloud

hoping you'll answer

heidi 

written: 02/04/19

Mourning

It's this nothing
The ever-present emptiness, that
is always here.

heidi
written: 02/02/19


I thought that I was going to write a longer poem today, but the Collom Lune is what came out. I think I have more to say about the empty, but this seems done. 

Sleep

Grief is hard
Sleeping's easier- and I don't
have to feel.

heidi
written: 02/01/19


I have been sleeping a lot. It feels like I am in limbo.

Grief

I can't cry
And I both want and
don't want to.

heidi
written: 01/30/19

Remember

I want to
Tattoo your name onto everyone
So they'll remember.

heidi
written: 01/30/19

Lost

how to navigate
each new day all alone
i'm so lost

Heidi
written: 01/29/19

Widow

gone so fast
and still I wait daily
for your return.

heidi
written: 01/28/19


My Darrell died unexpectedly. I'm still waiting for him.