You are just too sweet.
March 10, 2005
To: "Heather" hzr@djflsbndfjvlnsvnji****.com
From: "Reilly" rlyboo@djflsbndfjvlnsvnji****.com
Hi my sweet Heather!
That is such awesome news! I am so happy for you. I bet your mom can't wait. Things have been good here too. My new gynecologist is very sweet, and a mean mofo with a scalpel. She wanted to schedule a time to remove my gland, but that would mean two weeks off and, although she said it wouldn't leave one, all I can imagine is a huge hole where the testicle used to be. Seriously, it was so big and infected that she couldn't even do the examination! I have to go back next week to get all the other stuff done. I very gingerly sat on the table and was listing to one side when she came in. She and the nurse both gasped when they saw it. The nurse actually said "Poor baby". Then they gave me a shot that burned, like someone was injecting napalm into my testicle. (actually, I don't know what that would feel like, but i bet it would hurt like whatever in the hell it was that she did) Then she sprayed something on the testicle that burned worse, and I couldn't stay still. I said, "I think you need to wipe that off!" And, she did! Then she did a "test poke" with something, and all I felt was pressure (OMG, I just got that I wrote my gyno did a "test poke"! Now I have that old Eddie Murphy, SNL skit "Caribbean Gyno" going through my head!) Then I felt more pressure and something liquid running down. I thought they were pouring something else on it, and then she said, "Do you feel that? No wonder you were hurting. All of that is draining from your gland." I moaned, and I swear the nurse gagged a little. The doctor then said, "Yeah, these things smell nasty."
So, I no longer have a testicle, but I am so very happy! On the way out of the office (it was one of those complexes with all these doctors' offices in it) I passed someone it scrubs, while I was putting my hair back in a ponytail. She stopped in her tracks and said, you need to see a dermatologist about that mark on your neck as soon as possible. I asked if there was one in the complex and she pointed to an office. I thanked her, read the name off the door, and called my insurance. This doctor is approved, and I don't need a referral, so I went in and made an appointment for the first available date, which is in four months! We need some more dermatologists in this town! I want to ask someone about these sun spots on my face and this dandruff anyway. I walked back to my car and looked at my neck in the mirror, there is this big brown thing, that I have never noticed. It's probably just a big mole.
Anyway. My undercarriage feels so much better! No more spin classes for me, and no more testicles.
I'll write you later,
As you can tell, I like things that are so gross that they make me cringe a little. It makes me laugh (as long as I don't gag). I was a teenager in the 80's, I grew up on "grosser than gross" jokes. I think you may be able to tell where I am going with this little ongoing piece. It has me very excited!
Okay, I was typing this early for tomorrow, and posted it out of habit. I can't figure out how to pull it down until tomorrow, so here it is, early!