Wednesday, September 14, 2011

to Melissa: Here's Your Fucking Answer

to Melissa: Here's Your Fucking Answer

Okay, you wanna know?
You wanna know why I think I'm unlikable?
Why I'm afraid I don't like myself?
Why I am sure that people won't like me if they know me?

Fine.

But first, I think you're going to owe me a big plate with some bacon and mashed potatoes and probably a little something dark chocolate.
(Because really, who can't like themselves after bacon?)

I'm not perfect. I don't have whatever it is that makes people okay.
I don't even know what that is.
And since I don't know, I need to be perfect.
And I can't be perfect.
I've tried. I've tried very hard and failed.
So I keep working towards perfect.

I've tried to fake that whatever it is...
(shit! is that what the French mean by je ne sais quoi?)
And what I feel: is fake. I feel like I am performing. 
And I'm tired of performing.
I'm so tired.

I feel like an empty, drained, dead vessel.
That's not interesting.
I wouldn't want to be around an empty, drained, dead vessel.
The most fun you could have would be to yell "echo" in the mouth.

I don't know why I'm unlikeable (aside from the fake stuff-that's not cool, and the dead vessel stuff-that's dull)
And I'm afraid to find out why I suck.
What if it's so big that it overwhelms me?
What if it's so bad that I like it?
What if it's nothing, and I've wasted all this time? And I have to go make friends?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FUCKING WORK THAT WOULD BE???????

There, happy, now?

I'm great.
And seriously, where's the bacon?


heidi

begun 9/8/11
completed 9/14/11

So this was not inspired by a direct writing challenge, but rather a couple of conversations, and an email asking me when I was going to write about bacon. I took it as a writing challenge, and here it is. I hope you like it.

4 comments:

  1. You want IT? Melissa's fucking response to Heidi's fucking answer:

    So, you want IT? And, what if you have IT but say ITs not there?

    Your IT, her IT, his IT and mine are mosaics of color, each different and unique. ITs are not constrained by a single definition.

    Why do you want your mosaic to match another? Red plus red equals red everytime. Talk about dull.

    No IT is perfect all by itself. Yet, an imperfect phthalo blue plus an imperfect cadmium yellow creates a rich, fertile green every time.

    Quit hiding in the vessel trying to echo the ITs others. Only then can you have your taters, dark chocolate, bacon and more...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Changed my mind...you can have a little bite of bacon. After you write something describing the colors of your IT.

    Deal? You like your bacon crunchy or bendable?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Melissa! I love your fucking response to my fucking answer!

    ReplyDelete

Hi! Thank you for the visit! Grab a plate and a sweet tea and let's dig in. It may take a while, but I always try to reply and return visits.